


As Honest As I Can Be

by lollipop_assassin



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:40:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollipop_assassin/pseuds/lollipop_assassin
Summary: It's Simon's eighth year at Watford, and the upcoming Yuletide Ball has brought with it some things he needs to reflect on. There's more than just the Humdrum for him to face.





	1. In My Head

SIMON  
Every year the Yuletide ball was held on winter solstice and was exclusively for Eighth years; it was a magical evening in every sense of the word. There was talk of the ball being cancelled this year due to what had happened last year. Simon and Penelope had managed to disrupt the ball with Humdrum related issues; but they preferred not to talk about what had happened that night unless necessary. Aside from the terror of seeing Simon and Penelope covered in blood, it was a lovely looking evening. There would be hell for Simon to pay if Watford’s equivalent to prom was cancelled.

It was Simon’s eighth year now; which meant it was time for all one of his friends to start thinking about the ball and graduation and future plans. While Simon...did something. He hadn’t made any plans whatsoever, and every time he tried he couldn’t get past graduation or defeating the humdrum. There was no future beyond that for Simon.

Even Baz talked about the ball. During what limited conversations they had anyway. He was intent on rubbing it in Simon’s face that Agatha might go with him to the ball and what an upset that would be to the school. To think that the fairest witch of them all had given up The Chosen One.

Baz’s words still hung in Simon’s head as he and Penny at breakfast together. She was complaining about her roommate Trixie and her girlfriend again; showing Simon how they had gotten pixie dust in her drawer and, obviously, on her sweaters. But Simon was only half listening to her. He was thinking about Baz and Agatha.

“I swear she did it on purpose!” Penny exclaimed, throwing her hands up, and spreading pixie dust into the air around her.

Agatha and Baz.

“Look at this! It’s in my hair too!”

At the ball together. All dressed up in a beautiful dress and a dashing suit with a matching tie.

“I swear it’s giving me a rash.”

Dancing with each other. Twirling around the room and getting lost in each other’s eyes. Him gazing into her cornflower blue eyes and her getting lost in his stormy gray eyes. So deep they were drowning in each other.

“Can you be allergic to pixie dust? Could I switch roommates if I could prove I was?”

Alone together.

“Simon?”

Penny had finally noticed Simon wasn’t listening. She always did, so there was no surprise there, and he was relieved for the interruption. He didn’t want to keep thinking about them together. Or separately.

“Are you going to talk to Agatha about what happened?”

Simon sighed. He had been avoiding that topic for a month since school started. Penny had been nice enough to let him have some time but she was done letting him. She thought that getting everything out into the open was the best solution. It may be true but it still hurt to do.

“At some point probably.”

Penny was going to say more when the bell signalling the end of breakfast came. She gave him a look that meant that their conversation wasn’t over, it never was with her, and left for her class. Simon picked up his books and left as well.

Simon tried to pay more attention in class but Baz was still getting into his head. He found new little ways to do it too. Small smiles and winks his way by Baz and his cronies were driving him up the wall. Simon skipped the next class they had together and spent his time on the field instead. Not in the view of anyone who would be looking out the windows though. He wasn’t that stupid. 

He sat down under the large willow on campus and looked up. There was sunlight filtering through the leaves and the splashes of warm light against his skin relaxed him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was still early October. There was no reason he couldn’t still go with Agatha. Them being in the woods together last year didn’t mean anything.

But he still hadn’t talked to her. And that definetely meant something.

Agatha knew how Simon felt about Baz. She knew that he was out to get Simon and and how much Baz hated him. And she knew Baz liked her. She knew she could have anyone in the school and that everyone was wrapped around her little finger if only she wanted to use them. She knew everything.

She knew Simon saw them.

It was just as much Agatha’s responsibility to talk to Simon as it was his to talk to her. But neither had made any moves to fix anything. Simon didn’t want to see her after what had happened. And Agatha wasn’t trying to explain herself. Would Simon even accept any explanation she had? Did he want to?

Simon didn’t want to break up. He didn’t want what came with it; anger, sadness, and separation. But he didn’t want Agatha like that. Not anymore. Not when he had seen her kissing Baz; when she had looked happier with someone else.

Maybe she should be with someone else.

Someone who could plan a future past almost dying and graduating.Simon wasn’t even sure he could plan not to die. There was no planning with the humdrum. There was just happening. 

Maybe he could wait until Agatha came to that conclusion herself. Then he could act like the bigger person. The person who hadn’t broken her heart and he could walk away and die for the greater good, only to be remembered in legend and history books. There was a plan for the future.

Agatha had already been avoiding him as well, so plan half completed. All that was left was some half-assed breakup that made it look like she had wanted it. She had kissed someone else after all. Simon hadn’t told anyone for the sake of her reputation, but it was still something that would hurt anyone to have happen. 

He wanted the shrapnel bomb that was his life to hit as few people as possible when he went out.


	2. I Know You Know

Agatha had been worried about when she saw Simon again. She was expecting him to go off and get mad at her for what had happened only to ultimately blame Baz for it. For him to confront him and let everyone know what she did. But nothing had happened. He was cold and quiet.

Even Baz didn’t say anything to her about what had happened in the forest. He had kissed her like Simon never had; he was more demanding and rougher than Simon. Simon had always lightly kiss her. Lightly, like he was afraid he could hurt her somehow. Baz knew he could but didn’t; it was an amazing new feeling.

But all at once it was gone. Baz had pulled away and looked to his right. Agatha looked too and stopped cold.There was Simon and Penelope. Penelope looked angry; but not at Baz. At Agatha.

But Simon, Simon just looked hurt. He looked like everything had gone wrong at once. Like there was something important that he lost forever. And he just looked between her and Baz for a moment; looking like he was going to snap at them. Agatha was waiting for it, but he just turned and ran into the forest. Penelope had run after him but not before shaking her head at the two of them.

They were later attacked by the Humdrum and appeared at the Yuletide ball covered in blood. No one knew whose, but neither would say anything beyond that they had been taken by the Humdrum. Simon left school immediately after.

Agatha had tried to talk to Baz after. But it was obvious that he had known Simon would find them. He knew what would hurt Simon the most in that moment and he did it. He left Agatha alone outside the girls dormitories. He had left her alone completely after that. So had Simon.

Whenever she saw them Baz was holding his head up high like he had won something. To him and Simon, perhaps he had. Baz was flaunting his victory over Simon to make sure that he would never forget what he had done. What they had done. While their war went on, whatever either of them had with Agatha was over.

But Agatha didn’t want it to be over. Even if it wasn’t romantic she still loved him. Simon’s destiney was always to save the world of Mages, but what was hers? Stand by while he saves everyone and offer moral support when he got beat down again? Play the grieving widow at the funeral after his final sacrifice?

No matter what, she wouldn’t be the girl who publicly broke the hero’s heart before he died. Simon deserved better than that. But she did want more. More than being the prize for the chosen one. But that’s all she was. She dated him because she was expected to.

She wished she could do more. But for the sake of keeping up appearances, she would stay with Simon until the end. The Golden Boy and Girl. As golden as she could be.


End file.
